The Gift
by Tessa Lily
Summary: After the war, its time for Harry to work things out. Warning: Contemplation of suicide


**The Gift**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything (except the plot), though I wish I did...**

The black, velvety sky enveloped him as he stared at the graves. Even from such a height he could tell who the graves belonged to, and it cut him again and again like a knife. Fred, Remus, Tonks… their names kept echoing in his head. He could still see how Fred flew through the air in a graceful curve, finally hitting the wall in mundane finality. He could still see how Remus and Tonks laid there on the floor of the Great Hall, seemingly asleep. He could still see how Teddy cried and cried for his mother as he hugged a stuffed wolf. And each blow, each loss, each death cut him over and over again, creating scars on his heart that would never heal.

Why was fate so unfair? How much more could they expect him to take? All those people, they just see him as the Hero of the Wizarding World, the reason for their freedom. What they did not realize was that he suffered every single day. Everyone he loved was taken away from him. His parents were taken from him when he was just a year old. Then he was sent away to the Dursley's, and spent 10 years without love. His best friends have been in more dangerous situations then he can count, and when he finally found his godfather, he was separated from him by an innocent veil. Dumbledore, his mentor, left him at the end, leaving him to carry out his entire mission alone. Remus, his last father figure, his last connection to his family, also was captured by death. How many times would he be broken?

_You are not alone. You still have Ron and Hermione, the Weasleys, Teddy – so many people who care for and love you. _The small voice in the back of his head screamed. But he turned away. With the way things were going, they might soon be gone too, never to come back. Ginny seemed unlikely to forgive him, and honestly, who could blame her? He broke her heart into pieces, and then led her family into danger. He was the one to blame for all these deaths. All these people died because of him, carving their own hole into his heart. It was his fault. The pain and misery was too much.

He stared at the grass, so far away. At the top of the Astronomy Tower, he stood at a grand height of 30 metres. He had always wondered about free-falling, with nothing to hold him back, nothing to catch him. He would be free. It seemed so ironic, that after such a long and tiring struggle for his life, he was thinking of throwing away! But what kind of a life is this, when he was all alone? His loved ones were almost all dead, and those alive seemed to be ignoring him at the moment. Ron and Hermione were desperate for some alone time, Ginny was unlikely to forgive him, the Weasleys were drowning in their own grief. He did not blame them. Why should he, when he knew that the real culprit was him?

He looked at the grass again. His entire life was dictated by this war. Now he wanted to be able to make his own choices. He took a step forward, closer to the edge. The trees swayed slowly in the light breeze, beckoning him towards them. Free-fall. Freedom. The pulsing mantra kept on in his head. He looked again. There was just one step between life and death, between pain and freedom. Memories flooded through his mind. His first Quidditch match, de-gnoming the garden with Ron, watching Muggle movies with Hermione, his first kiss with Ginny – everything was like a movie, as the happy memories flashed through his mind. But no! Those memories were his past. Now everything had changed. He would never be the same. He would be carrying the brunt of the pain and suffering for the rest of his life. He had no right to view those happy memories, not when pain was all he could see.

But then, if he gave up his life, would he be free? Yes, he might be reunited with the ones he had lost, but what about the people he would lose as a result? No, he would not be free. Ron and Hermione had stuck with him all those years, he could not lose them too! And Ginny. An angry Ginny was so much better than no Ginny at all. Then the Weasleys, his first real family. No he might lose more than he might gain if he did this. He probed his feelings. Would he be able to suffer the pain for the rest of his life for them? _You are not alone._ The small voice in his head spoke up. _They are hurting too, and they will heal you as you heal them_. But why would they even want to see him, after he caused all this pain and loss? He had lost them anyway, it did not matter.

But he had chosen to come back, hadn't he? He had died, then when he was given the choice to live, he took it without a second thought. Back then he had done it to defeat Voldemort, but was there any ulterior motive? Maybe he wasn't ready to let go of his life just yet. In that case, he shouldn't just give up like that, should he? If he died, wouldn't all those people have died in vain? He sighed. Even now he couldn't make a decision just for himself. He was once again being dictated by other people. And then, Dumbledore's words came back to him – _Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love._ True, he had lost a lot through this war, but his life was not worthless. He had killed Voldemort, there would be no more pain or loss. He could then become an Auror, and capture the remaining Death Eaters, make the world a safer place. Wasn't that his purpose? And then he understood. Pain and joy are interrelated. One cannot live without the other, and that is the truth of life. Sure he would feel the pain now, but maybe it was possible to work through it, and then experience the joys of life later. It was not his time to go. He had been given the gift of life, and he would continue to cherish it.

He took the step back. Back to life, back to his loved ones. And as he turned around, he saw the Weasleys staring at him in shock. Professor McGonagall and Kingsley were trying very hard to suppress their tears. Ron and Hermione seemed to have been rooted to the ground. And in front of everyone was Ginny, with tears streaming down her cheeks. Their eyes met, and before they knew it, Ginny was running towards him, and enveloped him in a hug worthy of Mrs Weasley.

"Don't ever do that again, please don't! When I saw you lying dead on the ground, I—I couldn't take it. I was shattered into many pieces. And now, you were going – to die again, I – I can't take it. Please, don't do that again! I love you," Ginny sobbed, not caring that her entire family was watching in bewilderment.

"I am sorry, I really am. And no, I won't leave you again, it is much too painful for me to leave you. And I – love you too. Please forgive me?" Harry hugged her just as tightly and gently rubbed her back, trying to comfort her.

"Do you really need to ask? You were forgiven a long time ago!" Ginny gave Harry a watery smile, which Harry returned hesitantly. And as their lips met, Harry felt as though the holes in his heart were filling up. He had started to heal, slowly but surely, as he once again rejoiced in his decision to live.

In the background though, everyone else was staring with their jaws wide open, while Ron and Hermione smiled to themselves, happy that Harry was finally starting to cope.

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